So, what does one do when everything is out of order? When everything is in DISORDER?
Why, go for a facial and massage of course!
On Monday when the DISORDER was about to overwhelm, I received an email from a local day spa. "Book an appointment today and get a FREE 15 minute extra treatment!" Well, guess who just happened to have a leftover gift card to said day spa with $115 on it, left over from 2007? YEP!
As I settled in for my free 15 minute hot stone massage I realized that THIS was exactly what I needed!! A little time for me, a little pampering, a little all-about-Katie escape and all starting to shift back into place.
Cameron is still unemployed. I still miss Nancy. Phoebe is still an old cat. But just that brief escape propelled me forward. I've even made some travel plans. Now that's what I call order!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Disorder
On June 9 my friend Nancy passed away. 51 years young. We said our formal good-byes, as a group, at her funeral on June 16th. I am glad her pain is over and I am grateful for her friendship that goes on forever in my heart. I miss her. This is the first loss I have felt to this depth. I have been so lucky to have little loss in my life and even less that is out of order.
You know, the order: great-grandparents and grandparents go first. It's the order. Someday my parents will follow, although I've got some very healthy and active parents so we plan for them to be around a loooong time. Attending McKenna's college graduation would be nice for them (21 years from now)! Let's go for dancing at her wedding, too. So, with the exception of a beloved cousin-by-marriage who was tragically murdered at just 22 years old in 1990, I have been very, very fortunate. Life and the circle of life has had order. Even though I miss my granny goose every day, when she died at age 89 in 2000, it was the order.
Perhaps that's why Nancy's passing has hit me so hard, aside from losing a dearly loved friend and confidante. It's DISORDER. It's not the order in which things are supposed to happen, it's something I was not able to control or make better.
Life beyond Nancy is a little messy. It's DISORDER. I'm not comfortable with that. At all. Although I've kept up with work and social obligations since Nancy passed away, I've felt adrift and disconnected since June 9th. I've wanted to be alone, I've wanted to do absolutely nothing which is out of character for this Type A driven person, I've slept in, I've stayed up really, really late. I've actually left dirty dishes on the counter for more than 20 minutes and didn't care. The other morning I left the house for the day without first cleaning all the coffee maker parts. Unthinkable! DISORDER!!!
Cameron being out of a job is in the mix of my feeling disorder, although he continues to make more than I do with his severance and unemployment pay. He has an interview on Monday, but only for practice as the job is not anything in which he's interested. That's good. He needs the interview practice for the fab job that is coming. And he'll be out of the house. = ] I admit, I'm going a little nuts with him home all day while I'm working. Not anything he's doing or not doing - just out of order. It's DISORDER!
For the first time in 3 years my cat, Phoebe, has fleas - DISORDER! She is 16+ years old and I thought she was going to have a heart attack when I gave her a flea shampoo yesterday. She didn't, but neither did the fleas. I found a couple today after all that and after putting flea medication on her neck. I hate fleas. I can't control them. DISORDER there, too.
So, I think I have to figure out a way to get most of the order back in my life. Or learn to embrace disorder? Maybe a bit of disorder isn't horrible, but I really need order. Speaking of ordering, may I have a margarita, please? Make it two, one for Nancy. Cheers.
You know, the order: great-grandparents and grandparents go first. It's the order. Someday my parents will follow, although I've got some very healthy and active parents so we plan for them to be around a loooong time. Attending McKenna's college graduation would be nice for them (21 years from now)! Let's go for dancing at her wedding, too. So, with the exception of a beloved cousin-by-marriage who was tragically murdered at just 22 years old in 1990, I have been very, very fortunate. Life and the circle of life has had order. Even though I miss my granny goose every day, when she died at age 89 in 2000, it was the order.
Perhaps that's why Nancy's passing has hit me so hard, aside from losing a dearly loved friend and confidante. It's DISORDER. It's not the order in which things are supposed to happen, it's something I was not able to control or make better.
Life beyond Nancy is a little messy. It's DISORDER. I'm not comfortable with that. At all. Although I've kept up with work and social obligations since Nancy passed away, I've felt adrift and disconnected since June 9th. I've wanted to be alone, I've wanted to do absolutely nothing which is out of character for this Type A driven person, I've slept in, I've stayed up really, really late. I've actually left dirty dishes on the counter for more than 20 minutes and didn't care. The other morning I left the house for the day without first cleaning all the coffee maker parts. Unthinkable! DISORDER!!!
Cameron being out of a job is in the mix of my feeling disorder, although he continues to make more than I do with his severance and unemployment pay. He has an interview on Monday, but only for practice as the job is not anything in which he's interested. That's good. He needs the interview practice for the fab job that is coming. And he'll be out of the house. = ] I admit, I'm going a little nuts with him home all day while I'm working. Not anything he's doing or not doing - just out of order. It's DISORDER!
For the first time in 3 years my cat, Phoebe, has fleas - DISORDER! She is 16+ years old and I thought she was going to have a heart attack when I gave her a flea shampoo yesterday. She didn't, but neither did the fleas. I found a couple today after all that and after putting flea medication on her neck. I hate fleas. I can't control them. DISORDER there, too.
So, I think I have to figure out a way to get most of the order back in my life. Or learn to embrace disorder? Maybe a bit of disorder isn't horrible, but I really need order. Speaking of ordering, may I have a margarita, please? Make it two, one for Nancy. Cheers.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Life this month
The month started with Cameron losing his job as an engineer at Honeywell Turbo Charging Systems in Torrance. Not a great start... But he has a wonderful severance package that takes us through most of September. I'll think it's great until it runs out, but we hope to have him gainfully employed long before then.
Next up? A quick trip to San Francisco to have dim sum with our dear friend Victor and his partner, in from Switzerland. Everyone should be able to hop on a plane at a moment's notice to see an old friend. That's why I work in the biz, afterall.
Next? A great visit from Nathalie, Laurie and Amelia Blavin-Kakone during which baby birds hatched in a nest outside our kitchen window.
Mother's Day brought most of the clan together and we made a point of seeing Vern, grieving for Ruth as we all are.
A last minute trip out to the desert to meet up with Robbie over Memorial Day turned into a delightful and memorable weekend as we met up with some the most interesting and entertaining people at her sister's home in Palm Springs. Artists, poets, scholars, sales folks and us. Followed by a fabulous meal with Jo, Horst and Marilyn the next morning in Indio.
Vern has made up his mind to move into assisted living pretty quickly. That's a blessing for him to realize he can't keep up Ruth's house alone and he's choosing his own place without any cajoling from us or Karen.
Underlying all this month, though, since May 16th, is the decline of my dear friend Nancy. Nancy and I went to Westminster High together until I moved out to Villa Park half way through 9th grade. That summer her family moved to Villa Park, too, and we became dearest friends. Somewhere in college we lost touch, and didn't reconnect until just after our 20th VPHS reunion when Laura was kind enough to search Nancy out for me. We've not lost touch since.
Nancy first had cancer markers show up in November 2006. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2007. She never smoked, ever. I was with her the day she went to get her head shaved in April 2007. She responded well to the chemo for awhile and then the cancer moved to her brain. More chemo and radiation seemed to keep the cancer at bay for a year. We celebrated her 50th birthday in August 2007, we met regularly for lunch or breakfast.
Nancy found an acupunturist who promised he could cure her. Nancy believed, with all her heart, that God and the acupuncturist (and some help from the doctors) would absolutely cure her. She had no fear. She knew God was with her.
In July 2008 the cancer was found in her bones and she began to slow down a bit. She also struggled with pneumonia. On April 1 this year - just last month - she sent a note out to a group of friends on email and let us know that the latest scan had shown the cancer in her liver. She was determined that the acupuncture would work, that she wouldn't need the chemo the doctor wanted her to start on April 14. She ended the note stating "It will all be okay. I will get through this."
She told me in a phone conversation just under two weeks later than she was going to do the chemo, as the acupuncturist told her she should. It broke my heart when she said "That's when I realized I'm very sick." I could no longer deny that she was very sick, either.
This round of chemo was very rough on Nancy. She had to have her lungs drained, she was incredibly weak and even had to have an ambulance come and take her from the chemo room across the street to the hospital. Her telling of that story to us (Friend of Nancy - FON) in an email on April 15th was full of hope, and great humor. I will post it here one day.
I last spoke with Nancy on the phone the May 5th or 6th. I called her at work and her out of office message hadn't been changed in a few day. I worried. I called her at home and she answered. She'd just finished another difficult round of chemo, having her lungs drained yet again, and was with her mom, getting comfortable and planning on a nap. I said I would call her later in the week.
I didn't.
Her husband Doug called me on May 16th to tell me that he was bringing her home from the hospital for hospice care. WTF?! Hospital? She was in the hospital??!! Hospice care? She was just working full time. I was calling to set up our next breakfast. No, no, no...hospice care is for people who are dying. Nancy assured me she isn't dying..... She assured me God would cure her. She promised me!
I have been to see Nancy four times since then. Each time there is less and less of her in that shell that lies in the bed. My first visit, May 18th, she was lucid and talking, some garbled speech, but she knew me and called out to me as I walked in the room. That was the last she was able to speak with me. I did get the smallest movement of a raised eyebrow yesterday, but she can no longer see or speak. She weighs nothing, she looks more like a 100 year old bald man than the vibrant 51 year old she should be. She isn't Nancy.
The FON email circle was born from the last email Nancy sent her friends on April 15th. One of the women sent a note to all of us and now we all keep each other updated with the tiniest sliver of news. Doug sends text updates to a few throught the day and one updates the rest of us. Anyone who goes to visit reports back. We've shared stories, both somber and funny - mostly funny, and we are lifting her up together.
It's amazing that she has been home for two weeks without any sustenance and yet still she is with us. We dread hearing she is gone, we pray for her quick release.
Life this month has been about living. And life this month has been about living beyond this lifetime. I miss my friend Nancy.
Next up? A quick trip to San Francisco to have dim sum with our dear friend Victor and his partner, in from Switzerland. Everyone should be able to hop on a plane at a moment's notice to see an old friend. That's why I work in the biz, afterall.
Next? A great visit from Nathalie, Laurie and Amelia Blavin-Kakone during which baby birds hatched in a nest outside our kitchen window.
Mother's Day brought most of the clan together and we made a point of seeing Vern, grieving for Ruth as we all are.
A last minute trip out to the desert to meet up with Robbie over Memorial Day turned into a delightful and memorable weekend as we met up with some the most interesting and entertaining people at her sister's home in Palm Springs. Artists, poets, scholars, sales folks and us. Followed by a fabulous meal with Jo, Horst and Marilyn the next morning in Indio.
Vern has made up his mind to move into assisted living pretty quickly. That's a blessing for him to realize he can't keep up Ruth's house alone and he's choosing his own place without any cajoling from us or Karen.
Underlying all this month, though, since May 16th, is the decline of my dear friend Nancy. Nancy and I went to Westminster High together until I moved out to Villa Park half way through 9th grade. That summer her family moved to Villa Park, too, and we became dearest friends. Somewhere in college we lost touch, and didn't reconnect until just after our 20th VPHS reunion when Laura was kind enough to search Nancy out for me. We've not lost touch since.
Nancy first had cancer markers show up in November 2006. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January 2007. She never smoked, ever. I was with her the day she went to get her head shaved in April 2007. She responded well to the chemo for awhile and then the cancer moved to her brain. More chemo and radiation seemed to keep the cancer at bay for a year. We celebrated her 50th birthday in August 2007, we met regularly for lunch or breakfast.
Nancy found an acupunturist who promised he could cure her. Nancy believed, with all her heart, that God and the acupuncturist (and some help from the doctors) would absolutely cure her. She had no fear. She knew God was with her.
In July 2008 the cancer was found in her bones and she began to slow down a bit. She also struggled with pneumonia. On April 1 this year - just last month - she sent a note out to a group of friends on email and let us know that the latest scan had shown the cancer in her liver. She was determined that the acupuncture would work, that she wouldn't need the chemo the doctor wanted her to start on April 14. She ended the note stating "It will all be okay. I will get through this."
She told me in a phone conversation just under two weeks later than she was going to do the chemo, as the acupuncturist told her she should. It broke my heart when she said "That's when I realized I'm very sick." I could no longer deny that she was very sick, either.
This round of chemo was very rough on Nancy. She had to have her lungs drained, she was incredibly weak and even had to have an ambulance come and take her from the chemo room across the street to the hospital. Her telling of that story to us (Friend of Nancy - FON) in an email on April 15th was full of hope, and great humor. I will post it here one day.
I last spoke with Nancy on the phone the May 5th or 6th. I called her at work and her out of office message hadn't been changed in a few day. I worried. I called her at home and she answered. She'd just finished another difficult round of chemo, having her lungs drained yet again, and was with her mom, getting comfortable and planning on a nap. I said I would call her later in the week.
I didn't.
Her husband Doug called me on May 16th to tell me that he was bringing her home from the hospital for hospice care. WTF?! Hospital? She was in the hospital??!! Hospice care? She was just working full time. I was calling to set up our next breakfast. No, no, no...hospice care is for people who are dying. Nancy assured me she isn't dying..... She assured me God would cure her. She promised me!
I have been to see Nancy four times since then. Each time there is less and less of her in that shell that lies in the bed. My first visit, May 18th, she was lucid and talking, some garbled speech, but she knew me and called out to me as I walked in the room. That was the last she was able to speak with me. I did get the smallest movement of a raised eyebrow yesterday, but she can no longer see or speak. She weighs nothing, she looks more like a 100 year old bald man than the vibrant 51 year old she should be. She isn't Nancy.
The FON email circle was born from the last email Nancy sent her friends on April 15th. One of the women sent a note to all of us and now we all keep each other updated with the tiniest sliver of news. Doug sends text updates to a few throught the day and one updates the rest of us. Anyone who goes to visit reports back. We've shared stories, both somber and funny - mostly funny, and we are lifting her up together.
It's amazing that she has been home for two weeks without any sustenance and yet still she is with us. We dread hearing she is gone, we pray for her quick release.
Life this month has been about living. And life this month has been about living beyond this lifetime. I miss my friend Nancy.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Lists, Glorious Lists
Ah, lists! I love them. I live by them. I practically worship them. They keep me organized, in conjunction with the three calendars I keep, and they are my secret for those who perceive me as organized. Sweet, sweet, lists. I could write an ode to them. Don't even get me started on the endorphins released when I get to check things off a list!
But this is not that kind of list. It's a list of wisdoms sent to me on the occasion of my half-century mark earlier this year. Some of the items listed stand as they are, many of them scream for comments by moi, and I've deleted items that were on the list with which I either disagreed or felt were taking up too much room in this already lengthy post.
As noted, this list is not mine, but I am unsure to whom the credit belongs as my friend forwarded it to me from someone else. All hail whomever wrote this and the credit is yours. The comments are all mine, so is the credit and blame.
50 YEARS OF WISDOM
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
I would also add that life is what you make of it, after you come to terms with the 'not fair' part.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Something I need to keep in mind, as I tend to take the next big step. Ouch!
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
HELLO!
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
I like this one a lot. Keep the ol' sense of humor. (and don't you hate it when people spell 'a lot' as "alot'??)
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
God Bless Cameron for teaching me this one. I think I could retire now on the interest I paid prior to 2001!
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Okay, so I'm still struggling with this one. I think other people should pay attention to this one, though, especially when arguing with me.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 'nough said.
8. Always have a plan B. And C and D and E and...
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. Too late, but great advice! As for those of us who didn't, see #8 above.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. Nothing to add - it's perfectly stated.
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. YES! See posts below....
12. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. So tell your friends and family you love them, make time to see them, make your peace, give it your all.
13. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. See many of the entries above!
14. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
15. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
16. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. Hygge, baby!
17. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
18. The most important sex organ is the brain. Other parts help.
19. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. God, how I love accountability!
20. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years,
will this matter?" I can tell you, that waitlist not clearing for my customers won't!
21. Forgive everyone everything. But know when to walk away. Forgiving doesn't mean putting up with everything.
22. What other people think of you is none of your business. It's theirs.
23. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Is this good or bad?! I think we need #8 for this one!
24. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
25. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
26. Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
27. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
28. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. Except enough placemats and candles.
29. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. Just breathe.
30. If you don't ask, you don't get. AMEN!
But this is not that kind of list. It's a list of wisdoms sent to me on the occasion of my half-century mark earlier this year. Some of the items listed stand as they are, many of them scream for comments by moi, and I've deleted items that were on the list with which I either disagreed or felt were taking up too much room in this already lengthy post.
As noted, this list is not mine, but I am unsure to whom the credit belongs as my friend forwarded it to me from someone else. All hail whomever wrote this and the credit is yours. The comments are all mine, so is the credit and blame.
50 YEARS OF WISDOM
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
I would also add that life is what you make of it, after you come to terms with the 'not fair' part.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Something I need to keep in mind, as I tend to take the next big step. Ouch!
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
HELLO!
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
I like this one a lot. Keep the ol' sense of humor. (and don't you hate it when people spell 'a lot' as "alot'??)
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
God Bless Cameron for teaching me this one. I think I could retire now on the interest I paid prior to 2001!
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Okay, so I'm still struggling with this one. I think other people should pay attention to this one, though, especially when arguing with me.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 'nough said.
8. Always have a plan B. And C and D and E and...
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. Too late, but great advice! As for those of us who didn't, see #8 above.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. Nothing to add - it's perfectly stated.
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. YES! See posts below....
12. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. So tell your friends and family you love them, make time to see them, make your peace, give it your all.
13. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. See many of the entries above!
14. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
15. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no
for an answer.
16. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. Hygge, baby!
17. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
18. The most important sex organ is the brain. Other parts help.
19. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. God, how I love accountability!
20. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years,
will this matter?" I can tell you, that waitlist not clearing for my customers won't!
21. Forgive everyone everything. But know when to walk away. Forgiving doesn't mean putting up with everything.
22. What other people think of you is none of your business. It's theirs.
23. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. Is this good or bad?! I think we need #8 for this one!
24. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
25. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
26. Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
27. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
28. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. Except enough placemats and candles.
29. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. Just breathe.
30. If you don't ask, you don't get. AMEN!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Notamom 2
I've shared the "Notamon" with a few of my other childless (for many reasons, both purposeful and sad) friends and the response has been interesting and welcome. One beloved friend made an excellent observation:
"The only difference between being childless at 50 vs. 40 is that there is no longer the option which, once realized and accepted, is very freeing."
I think she captured what I flippantly skipped over below. Yes, I did want children, but always assumed it would just happen (yes, I do know the mechanics of how it happens...no problems there), so never made concrete plans for them and, in turn, made life choices that prevented my progeny from walking the earth. I have mourned it and I have, as my friend states above, accepted it and found it freeing.
I also question how deep that desire was if I chose to marry a man with whom not having children was certain. I suppose I wonder who will take care of me in my ripe old age, but having children certainly doesn't guarantee anyone will be waiting at the end to visit me and make sure I'm fed and changed. Isn't that why I should be buying long-term care insurance??
So, in the shell of a nut, although I once wanted and expected to have children, I don't envy those with kids and I am both fulfilled and happy without them.
Proud to be NOTAMOM!
"The only difference between being childless at 50 vs. 40 is that there is no longer the option which, once realized and accepted, is very freeing."
I think she captured what I flippantly skipped over below. Yes, I did want children, but always assumed it would just happen (yes, I do know the mechanics of how it happens...no problems there), so never made concrete plans for them and, in turn, made life choices that prevented my progeny from walking the earth. I have mourned it and I have, as my friend states above, accepted it and found it freeing.
I also question how deep that desire was if I chose to marry a man with whom not having children was certain. I suppose I wonder who will take care of me in my ripe old age, but having children certainly doesn't guarantee anyone will be waiting at the end to visit me and make sure I'm fed and changed. Isn't that why I should be buying long-term care insurance??
So, in the shell of a nut, although I once wanted and expected to have children, I don't envy those with kids and I am both fulfilled and happy without them.
Proud to be NOTAMOM!
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Notamom
As a woman of a certain age (see last post) without children and, thus, without grandchildren in the pipeline, I move in an interesting world, populated by other women like me and by those who just can't understand my choices. I have managed to thumb my nose at my obligations to both past generations and society, yet still remain happy, centered and fulfilled. Horrors and how down right rude.
Although I can name as many friends and colleagues without children as with, there still hangs that giant question of "WHY NOT??" when I must admit I have failed to produce the next generation. I get it more from those I encounter of other cultural and ethnic backgrounds than my own, yet my homey white folks ask it, too. There is almost a pity from them when I tell them "it just didn't happen". That's a lot easier than explaining I assumed I would have them, I probably meant to have them, then made life choices that obviously led to not having them, so maybe I didn't really want them afterall and if I didn't want kids, well.... what kind of WOMAN am I??!
See?
I had a close friend for decades who, once she and her husband decided to adopt a child at age 49, also decided that I -the childless one- was too jealous and envious of their obvious good fortune and windfall to have my bad karma in their lives any more. Good fortune and windfall wouldn't be the first words that come to my mind when given a child (okay, so "given" after tens of thousands of dollars were paid - they really, really, REALLY wanted a child) from another part of the world and obliged with the future of said child for the next 20 plus years at their ripe old age of 49.... She is thrilled to take that on, as are many others and God bless 'em!!
So sue me, Angelina, Madonna and said former friend. I wish you all the best and thank you for saving these children from what truly would have been a tough and possibly terrible and short life. I wish the same for all those men and women who want to do that. Yes, please save the children! Just stop thinking the rest of us are jealous of you and want to do it, too.
Now, don't think I don't like kids. I do. I like them a lot, in the right place and time. I love other people's kids (man, do I love that Amelia Paris Blavin-Kakone!!) and I love spending time with them and then, giving them back. I love shopping for them and being the aunt who brings presents and laughs. I love playing Chutes-n-Ladders with them or watching "Little Mermaid", but I don't have to watch it 37 times. I'll happily be your kid's Auntie, too. It's a role that suits me. I'll buy their girl scout cookies and school wrapping paper, I'll donate to their walk-a-thons and help raise money for their acquatic center. Since I don't have my own, think of how much MORE I can give to yours.
And you know what else? I get to lavish my nephew with love and fund raising dollars and still travel with my husband to far flung lands without worrying about babysitters. I can meet up with friends or colleagues for dinner without worrying about whether or not the family will eat in my absence. I can splurge for the mani and pedi without worrying I won't have enough for the soccer uniform. I can give to the charities of my choice (City of Hope and MS Society, by the way) more freely and not be concerned that I just spent Junior's college tuition.
Selfish? Maybe. Resigned? Possibly. Happy? Most definitely.
Although I can name as many friends and colleagues without children as with, there still hangs that giant question of "WHY NOT??" when I must admit I have failed to produce the next generation. I get it more from those I encounter of other cultural and ethnic backgrounds than my own, yet my homey white folks ask it, too. There is almost a pity from them when I tell them "it just didn't happen". That's a lot easier than explaining I assumed I would have them, I probably meant to have them, then made life choices that obviously led to not having them, so maybe I didn't really want them afterall and if I didn't want kids, well.... what kind of WOMAN am I??!
See?
I had a close friend for decades who, once she and her husband decided to adopt a child at age 49, also decided that I -the childless one- was too jealous and envious of their obvious good fortune and windfall to have my bad karma in their lives any more. Good fortune and windfall wouldn't be the first words that come to my mind when given a child (okay, so "given" after tens of thousands of dollars were paid - they really, really, REALLY wanted a child) from another part of the world and obliged with the future of said child for the next 20 plus years at their ripe old age of 49.... She is thrilled to take that on, as are many others and God bless 'em!!
So sue me, Angelina, Madonna and said former friend. I wish you all the best and thank you for saving these children from what truly would have been a tough and possibly terrible and short life. I wish the same for all those men and women who want to do that. Yes, please save the children! Just stop thinking the rest of us are jealous of you and want to do it, too.
Now, don't think I don't like kids. I do. I like them a lot, in the right place and time. I love other people's kids (man, do I love that Amelia Paris Blavin-Kakone!!) and I love spending time with them and then, giving them back. I love shopping for them and being the aunt who brings presents and laughs. I love playing Chutes-n-Ladders with them or watching "Little Mermaid", but I don't have to watch it 37 times. I'll happily be your kid's Auntie, too. It's a role that suits me. I'll buy their girl scout cookies and school wrapping paper, I'll donate to their walk-a-thons and help raise money for their acquatic center. Since I don't have my own, think of how much MORE I can give to yours.
And you know what else? I get to lavish my nephew with love and fund raising dollars and still travel with my husband to far flung lands without worrying about babysitters. I can meet up with friends or colleagues for dinner without worrying about whether or not the family will eat in my absence. I can splurge for the mani and pedi without worrying I won't have enough for the soccer uniform. I can give to the charities of my choice (City of Hope and MS Society, by the way) more freely and not be concerned that I just spent Junior's college tuition.
Selfish? Maybe. Resigned? Possibly. Happy? Most definitely.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
The Other Side
Greetings from the other side of 50. Almost 4 months since the last post when I was merely in my 40's. So. So what?
At 50 I have enough self confidence to know I can get through just about anything and I will be okay. Make that I can get through anything and I will be okay. You can define okay.
I am smart enough with life experience to know we pretty much make our own karma. Our life is a compilation of our decisions and is nobody's fault but our own. I am fully accountable for everything I have done or said, whether I meant it or not, whether it was misunderstood or taken out of context. It served someone's purpose to take it differently than I meant it, but I put the words and deeds out there. They are the universe's to use and define. I know what I meant and that is mine with which to make peace. Or not.
I can strive to be more precise in word and deed. Never too old to learn or change. Never too old to know when change is not needed and we are fine the way we are, too.
I know what I'm good at. I know my strengths and weaknesses. Mostly. I've even been known to admit them.
So, at 50 I still think like I'm 30 but nothing quite works as it did then. I now know I am not immortal and neither are my friends and family. I hope that's an improvement from 30 and that I'll better treasure the times with them now.
So friends and family that is my stream of consciousness for the day. Be healthy and make it a great day, filled with hygge!
At 50 I have enough self confidence to know I can get through just about anything and I will be okay. Make that I can get through anything and I will be okay. You can define okay.
I am smart enough with life experience to know we pretty much make our own karma. Our life is a compilation of our decisions and is nobody's fault but our own. I am fully accountable for everything I have done or said, whether I meant it or not, whether it was misunderstood or taken out of context. It served someone's purpose to take it differently than I meant it, but I put the words and deeds out there. They are the universe's to use and define. I know what I meant and that is mine with which to make peace. Or not.
I can strive to be more precise in word and deed. Never too old to learn or change. Never too old to know when change is not needed and we are fine the way we are, too.
I know what I'm good at. I know my strengths and weaknesses. Mostly. I've even been known to admit them.
So, at 50 I still think like I'm 30 but nothing quite works as it did then. I now know I am not immortal and neither are my friends and family. I hope that's an improvement from 30 and that I'll better treasure the times with them now.
So friends and family that is my stream of consciousness for the day. Be healthy and make it a great day, filled with hygge!
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